back from holidays :-(
miei cari, unfortunately for me (obviously) and for you (because now I start writing again) I am back from holidays. Was it sunny? Yes. Am I tanned? No. Relaxed? Hmm... I spent the whole week cleaning my new house, next time I build a house I also pay a freaking cleaning company. You can't imagine how nice it is to clean all the little shitty white spots on the tiles; next time, on top of the cleaning company, I also get a nice whip and dutifully punish the painters. And, to be honest, you probably noticed that I like ranting every now and then (really?? meee????), but it was a really great satisfaction to see the house eventually clean with all the stuff shining (have you ever put wax on a brand new parquet? No? Then get a cleaning company for that as well, I talk from experience here). Anyway, the house is finished and now, at last, is clean. It is also pretty empty, apart from my bed and my bed table with lamp. Kind of minimalistic. Now, since I am not Japanese and don't give a holy shit about minimalistic style, I am just waiting to get my next salary and then I will raid ebay. Or perhaps it's a better idea if I simply save the money and get myself a kitchen, you can be as minimalistic as you want but a lonely microwave is NOT a kitchen. By the way, you probably remember that some time ago I bought a big, super red, Kartell lamp. The lamp is now in the kitchen and, my dears, it is simply psychedelic. You switch it on and you feel like starting singing Aquarius (leeeeet the sunshiiiiineeee), since everything turns bright red; therefore it has been nicknamed "Il sol dell'avvenire" - which is kind of complicated to translate, basically it was a catchphrase used by the then PCI , aka Italian Communist Party, to denote the "sun of the future" that would have awaited the proletariat after the successfull revolution against bloody capitalism (funny, in a sense, considering that I work for an American corporation)- During the week it was also the village party (sort of), and it was nice to go out after the whole day cleaning and enjoying a beer with friends. Perhaps a couple of beers. And some prosecco. And some wine. Whatever.
I also had my little adventure while on holiday. I came back home one night, went to bed to read a book and, on the verge of collapse, I heard some voices. I thought that it was some drunken guys from the village party, and then I figured that, drunk or not, the fuckers were in my garden. So I wake up, open the window, see 2 fuckers downstairs doing something and I start shouting like a baby eagle when its mum doesn't bring a worm. The fuckers escape through the garden and, intelligent as I am, I start believing that I am wonder woman, so go to the bathroom, grab the hanger where you put towels to dry (well, something heavy, I cannot bring my bedtable lamp, for hell's sake), go downstairs, go out (that's why I am saying that I am very intelligent, I go out alone in the middle of the night with 2 unknown fuckers that could have still been in my garden, for all I knew) and find out that those 2 idiots were trying to steal the stuff that you use to lock the window shutters (i ferma antoni, for those of you who know Italian). So I stay there with my towel hanger on the porch, hands on my hips, chest out, chin up and nasty look on my face; basically the idiotic blond version of Mussolini from the balcony in Porta Venezia; with the only difference that instead of addressing the crowd, I simply started swearing really loud. Then, after 2 minutes, I realize how stupid I look (not how stupid I am, mind you), so I go inside, get a screw driver, get my cigarettes and start putting the lockers back on the wall. All this, may I remind you, signore e signori, in the middle of the night with a nice, big, dark garden in front of me. After the successfull completion of my screwdriving, I figure out, eventually!, that I am an idiot, so I go inside, lock myself up, put a chair in front of the door (well, there are 4 doors but I only had 1 chair) and go to bed with my beloved towel hanger and screwdriver next to me. And, the power of prosecco, I fall asleep and I sleep like a baby until 10:30 next morning. Amen. Now, what did I learn from this experience? 1. that I am an idiot (not a big surprise to most of you, but good to remind myself sometimes) 2. that the 2 fuckers must have been from the village, since they escaped from the easiest way, they knew, in the dark, how to get in and out from a garden with a big hole in the middle. So the next day I started telling all the people I know how, when my former American boss took us out to shoot with a rifle, I managed to get 3 clay pigeons out of 12. And, my dears, those clay pigeons were much, much faster than the 2 fuckers. And that my dad was a hunter, so he still has his rifle. In a nutshell: you fuckers, do you really think that I have been building and cleaning my house for you to come steal?? I shoot you, oh yes I do. And in the balls, and then you can go to the surgeon and ask to have one of my lockers transplanted, must be nice when you pee.
I also had my little adventure while on holiday. I came back home one night, went to bed to read a book and, on the verge of collapse, I heard some voices. I thought that it was some drunken guys from the village party, and then I figured that, drunk or not, the fuckers were in my garden. So I wake up, open the window, see 2 fuckers downstairs doing something and I start shouting like a baby eagle when its mum doesn't bring a worm. The fuckers escape through the garden and, intelligent as I am, I start believing that I am wonder woman, so go to the bathroom, grab the hanger where you put towels to dry (well, something heavy, I cannot bring my bedtable lamp, for hell's sake), go downstairs, go out (that's why I am saying that I am very intelligent, I go out alone in the middle of the night with 2 unknown fuckers that could have still been in my garden, for all I knew) and find out that those 2 idiots were trying to steal the stuff that you use to lock the window shutters (i ferma antoni, for those of you who know Italian). So I stay there with my towel hanger on the porch, hands on my hips, chest out, chin up and nasty look on my face; basically the idiotic blond version of Mussolini from the balcony in Porta Venezia; with the only difference that instead of addressing the crowd, I simply started swearing really loud. Then, after 2 minutes, I realize how stupid I look (not how stupid I am, mind you), so I go inside, get a screw driver, get my cigarettes and start putting the lockers back on the wall. All this, may I remind you, signore e signori, in the middle of the night with a nice, big, dark garden in front of me. After the successfull completion of my screwdriving, I figure out, eventually!, that I am an idiot, so I go inside, lock myself up, put a chair in front of the door (well, there are 4 doors but I only had 1 chair) and go to bed with my beloved towel hanger and screwdriver next to me. And, the power of prosecco, I fall asleep and I sleep like a baby until 10:30 next morning. Amen. Now, what did I learn from this experience? 1. that I am an idiot (not a big surprise to most of you, but good to remind myself sometimes) 2. that the 2 fuckers must have been from the village, since they escaped from the easiest way, they knew, in the dark, how to get in and out from a garden with a big hole in the middle. So the next day I started telling all the people I know how, when my former American boss took us out to shoot with a rifle, I managed to get 3 clay pigeons out of 12. And, my dears, those clay pigeons were much, much faster than the 2 fuckers. And that my dad was a hunter, so he still has his rifle. In a nutshell: you fuckers, do you really think that I have been building and cleaning my house for you to come steal?? I shoot you, oh yes I do. And in the balls, and then you can go to the surgeon and ask to have one of my lockers transplanted, must be nice when you pee.
posted by alba at
8:24 PM
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